I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
