Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
