No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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