I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this beer tastes like vomit already
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
