Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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