I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
