Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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