This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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