Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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