I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize