I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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