my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
4 words: hood of his car
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
