I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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