i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize