oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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