I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
