Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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