listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize