I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
