I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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