On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
