I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
