i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
