i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
