My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
