apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
