either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Im part way to drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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