i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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