Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
