Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
