The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
