I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
