Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
