I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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