I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
