Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
