you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
