Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Everyone says I win the strip club
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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