you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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