I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
