she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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