My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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