So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
