My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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