best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
