As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
