y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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