Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
