Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
