god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we have pet lesbian snakes
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
We named our party play list daddy issues
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
