i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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