matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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