Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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