This dress was meant to end up on your floor
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
