Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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