I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
