Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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