She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
