Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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