when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
