I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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